KILL CHARLES DICKENS

Time machine, stat. I need to go back in time and murder Charles Dickens before he can write Tale of Two Cities.

**ALERT: SPOLIERS AHEAD**

God, that book sucked great, big lollipops of dumb. Yeah, French revolution, happy happy sad happy sad dead. I hated it. I hated it so much. I hated it more than I hate shirts with leggings and that unmentionable book titled Warm Bodies. I hated it so damn much.

My favorite character was Madam Defarge. That's saying something about the book, don't you think. My favorite character tried to kill most of the other characters. She gets Charles condemned to death, then returns with a gun to kill Lucie (that boring prick of a girl) and her daughter. She ends up dying in their house. Yay, fun.

Then, the second best character in the whole book, Sydney Carton, goes and SACRIFICES HIMSELF FOR CHARLES. That DICK. All because he loves Charles' wife, Lucie. GOD. He goes and gets himself guillotined, right after meeting the LOVE OF HIS LIFE, a nice seamstress lady who is also condemned to death for NOTHING. She gets her head chopped off, then so does he. Just like that. ALL THE BEST CHARACTERS DIE IN THE END. And Lucie, the stupid, annoying, impossibly boring Mary-Sue, gets to live on with her charming-yet-dickish husband and their daughter (who will probably grow up to be super awesome due to the fact that stupid + stupid = not stupid).

Ooh, imagery, symbolism, descriptiveness. My ass! This is probably what they read in purgatory. I might end up using my copy for kindling for when I salt and burn Charles Dickens' bones. He must be a demon. I mean, only a demon can come up with this shit.

I think he's John Green in a past life, just with terrible writing skills. Or Steven Moffat. Or both. (Because we all know, brilliantly awesome + brilliantly evil = evil incarnate with terrible language).

NO MORE CHARLES DICKENS.

- ellie - fear me. -